Pizza, Grape Soda and Cream Cheese Babies: An Inquiry Into Yet More Epstein Internet Nonsense

I first aired my general scepticism of the Epstein mythology last July, and I think that piece has held up well. As I suggested back then, members of the Trump administration unwisely promised major Epstein revelations before realising they had nothing much to reveal about the workings of the feverishly postulated Blackmail Paedo Cult steering our politics. This has placed them in an impossible position with respect to Epstein. No revelations can ever satisfy their critics, because the Blackmail Paedo Cult is not real.

At the end of January, the U.S. Department of Justice released 3.5 million pages of investigative materials in response to the Epstein Files Transparency Act. Despite occasional indications of unsavoury influence peddling and the odd trading of insider tips, evidence of the Blackmail Paedo Cult remains outstanding as I thought it would and as many predicted. The internet brainrot industry has responded by advancing two incompatible theses simultaneously: On the one hand, the paucity of additional revelations can only mean that Trump and his Justice Department are complicit in an ongoing cover-up. On the other hand, the document release is nevertheless held to contain sweeping revelations of the very Blackmail Paedo Cult that the Trump administration is so successfully shielding from public scrutiny.

The latter thesis rests, broadly speaking, on two tranches of “evidence.” I discussed the first in my rant about the metric tonnes of Epstein bullshit presently polluting the internet: A lot of the Epstein files turn out to be protocols of baseless tips called in by crazy federal informants or random freaked out retards. In this way, the ambient Epstein mythology stirred up by the MeToo-era alarmism of 2018 has worked its way back into the investigative record, providing confirmation of itself in perfect if profoundly frustrating circularity.

The second tranche of purported “evidence” – and here my scare quotes must do heavy lifting indeed – emerges from a growing discourse about alleged code words in Epstein’s emails. The People’s Voice, an insane online compendium of manipulative raving to which I will not link, is as good a source as any for this kind of analysis:

Investigators have ripped open the latest Epstein file drops and exposed horrifying coded language straight from the elite’s own mouths: repeated references to “jerky”, “cream cheese baby” and other grotesque code words for child meat, and explicit discussions of eating newborn babies—complete with umbilical cords still attached.

These aren’t fringe fantasies—they’re documented in Epstein’s communications, where Leonardo DiCaprio‘s name repeatedly surfaces in the same depraved orbit as Epstein and figures like Woody Allen, amid talks of black-market babies, “menu items,” and a full-scale cannibal operation run through a chef specializing in human cuisine for the global elite.

The files prove beyond doubt that the long-rumored satanic cannibal network among Hollywood and power players is no theory—it’s spelled out in black-and-white emails and logs, with DiCaprio exposed swapping emails with Woody Allen about being on a cannibal diet.

Because claims like these are legally actionable, I want to make it clear that I am reproducing this garbage purely for illustrative purposes, and that there is no evidence in the Epstein document dump even remotely suggesting that Leonardo DiCaprio, Woody Allen or anybody else engaged in cannibalism. These are disturbing peasant fantasies worthy of comment only because the people peddling them have hundreds of thousands of followers and routinely win millions of views for their libel.

As it happens, I used to be a philologist, and so I can claim some minimal expertise in the humble intellectual project of deriving the meaning of words in context. Below the fold I’m going to sample some of the evidence for code words in Epstein’s emails. I can’t investigate every last allegedly suspicious vocabulary item, but I’m going to look in depth at three prominent candidates. I’m not cherry picking here; I’ve chosen some of the leading vectors for media speculation of varying grades of respectability. I’ll show you how some of these alleged codes are made into dark, impenetrable mysteries primarily by the arbitrary denial of context and secondarily by prior assumptions about what Epstein and his contacts ought to be talking about or taking an interest in. It’s not always possible to divine the precise meaning of every exchange, and in some cases it’s at least possible that Epstein’s emails do contain veiled references about unsavoury activities. In none of the most celebrated exchanges does this seem very probable, however.

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