This is not a family post OK?

As world health authorities inch closer to acknowledging that Monkeypox is a sexually transmitted disease circulating almost exclusively among gay men, the CDC has posted an insanely idiotic pamphlet, subtly addressed to the gay community, on how “you can make informed choices when you are in spaces or situations where monkeypox could be spread through close, intimate contact or during sex.”

The CDC are very clear that they only want to help you make informed choices. They’d never dream of telling you not to have gay sex, which is a core rite of western representative democracy that can never be suspended for any epidemiological reason whatsoever. In this, gay sex is much different from childhood education, everyday social interactions, economic and business activities, peaceable assembly, worship services, walks outside, and dying in the company of friends and family, which are frivolous luxuries up for repeal every flu season.

In the CDC tract, called Social Gatherings, Safer Sex and Monkeypox, you’ll discover what monkeypox is (“a disease that can make you sick”), how you can get monkeypox (“Monkeypox can spread to anyone through …. skin-to-skin contact”), how monkeypox is mostly spreading (“This contact can happen when you have sex including: Touching fabrics and objects during sex that were used by a person with monkeypox …. such as … fetish gear and sex toys”), and what scientists are currently trying to figure out about monkeypox (“If the virus can be spread when someone has no symptoms … If the virus could be present in semen [cum], vaginal fluids, and fecal matter [poop]”).

All right, but can you still hit all those Pride-month “raves, parties, clubs and festivals”?

Sure! Just “seek out information from trusted sources like the local health department” and be mindful of “enclosed spaces such as back rooms, saunas, or sex clubs, where there is minimal or no clothing.”

Outdoor playgrounds: Dangerous disease vectors.

“Back rooms …where there is … no clothing”: Healthy and essential recreational environments.

What if you have Monkeypox though? Do you absolutely have to stop banging? What if you really, really, really want to?

Well, the CDC thinks it’s a bad idea, but it’s up to you. If “virtual sex with no in-person contact” won’t cut it, maybe you can “consider having sex with your clothes on” (?), “Avoid kissing”, “Limit your number of partners” or even … this takes some fortitude to type … “Masturbate together at a distance of at least 6 feet.”

Yes, the famous six-foot rule – good for Corona and apparently for Monkeypox too.