EU President Ursula von der Leyen Announces Review of Protected Status for All European Wolves After a Wolf Kills Her Pony

The European Union is a stupid organisation governed by stupid people.

In September, a thirty year-old pony named Dolly, who happened to belong to loathsome EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, was found dead with grievous injuries. Today, we learn that genetic tests have established that Dolly’s killer was a wolf – and not just any wolf, but the notorious livestock hunter known as GW 950m, a member of the so-called Burgdorf Pack.

Von der Leyen’s party, the EPP, had already taken up the question of whether limits should be imposed on the growing European wolf population. Upon receiving this news, though, she announced that her commission will review the protected status that wolves enjoy in EU member states. It’s very hard to find good statistics, but superficial internet research confirms the proverbial assumption that wolves kill mainly sheep, in substantial but not catastrophic numbers. In 2020, for example, envelope math suggests they ate no more than 0.14% of all wool producers in France.

Suppressed fertility, elevated mortality, economic chaos: totally fine and acceptable tradeoffs for our three-year failed campaign to eradicate some respiratory pathogen. The death of an insufferable EU technocrat’s pony: a problem requiring a reassessment of EU animal protection policy.